Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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