it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
