cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
