i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize