Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
