Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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