Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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