be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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