So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
