One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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