Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
