Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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