Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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