Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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