just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
