there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
