I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
