Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
porn star boner night. come get it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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