Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
