This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
