My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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