My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
