thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
