our cab driver is having phone sex.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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