just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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