Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
