Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
