I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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