Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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