Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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