Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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