she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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