Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
