i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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