Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
