Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
