I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
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She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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