Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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