Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
