somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am naked and annoyed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
