I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
