OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
