At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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