i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
