Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
