The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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