yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
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I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
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Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I forget how to act sober
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