I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
