There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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