the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
