I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
