Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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