I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
