New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
