Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Let's get the cat blown out
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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