Please, let me fuck your mom
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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