just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
