I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
