Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
